Mock Draft #1: Theta Chi Moments You Wish Could Be Found On YouTube

The format of the draft is similar to a serpintine fantasy draft - The last person to pick in the first round has the first pick in the second round. Everyone may participate in the comments to draft any moments they deem worthy although the rule there is to wait at least 8 comment picks to add to your draft or about an hour - whichever happens first.

Round 1
Pick #1 (Woody):
I choose the night of a round table. We were taking a piss break, singing some Dixie, when Patrick happened to be upstairs preparing for a story that revolved around "borrowing" ritual robes from our neighbors at 9 Fraternity Row. This might have been close to finals since there were several TEP's actually in their house that decided they'd had enough of Dixie. They all came outside, lined up almost person to person in front of one of us. It looked like the front lines of a Stratego Board except the two lakes and a row on the board were missing. Blows were about to be exchanged when Patrick shouted down from Pebble Beach for everyone to stop. Everyone looked up in shock (them) and amazement (us). Not a single blow was exchanged that night. As Patrick was preparing to tell a story about the robes, a better one was created. Instead of punches being thrown and someone having additional blotter on their arrest record, all was forgiven once the robes were returned and a letter of apology was (eventually) written.


Pick #2 (Dave "Jackie" Sherrell):
Ted would get all the details right, but, I'll give it a shot. Some of you may remember the pet baby duck we had around the house for a while. Jay Walker had the nickname Snacks for a while when he gained a little weight over the summer. So, he was taking care of this duck someone stole on a scavenger hunt. The duck was named Little Snacks. Little Snacks was swimming in the kiddy pool on Pebble Beach. Ted was in Big Head brushing his teeth. All of a sudden a hawk comes down and attacks little snacks. The hawk is trying to pick up Little Snacks and take off. Ted screams, "NO, LITTLE SNACKS, NO!" He jumps out the window from Big Head, grabs an Alligator paper and smacks the hawk with the newspaper. The hawk flies off and little snacks is left floating injured in the kiddie pool.

I think this is the same time that Perry McDonald then picks up Little Snacks and gives him mouth to beak resuscitation. Little Snacks lived and was back to normal in no time. That summer a dog on Jay Walker's farm bit his head off. I loved that little duck.
Pick #3 (The Swerve):
On one late night, in the distant past, I was in my loft (closet entrance) with a nightly special. Side note- the girl is 4'11" and never takes her heels off. We are interrupted by a faint noise at the foot of my bed and entrance to my loft. A steady stream of liquid is dripping down the middle of the entrance. For some reason, the girl is drawn to the liquid and begins touching it and smelling it. As if she is fascinated by this. She asks me what this is and wants me to partake in the activity of touching and smelling. I ignore the request and put a towel over me to protect from said liquid - thinking it is a beer that has tipped over from above. As I rise from the closet, I am amazed at the sight. A pledge half asleep, on his knees, smiling and pissing on the wall next to the couch - thus, dripping down to my entrance. I then push said person back over on the couch and quickly clean the evidence the way any self respecting brother would....with my roommates towel. I immediately jump back into bed to continue activities. When she asks what happened- I explained that the pledge had tipped over a beer- and have handy wipes ready for her fingers.
All I'm saying is - the pledge's last name rhymed with "berryman" - and not the older one.

Pick #4 (Derek Jardeleza):

Fall 95

The scene: Monday night Chapter meeting

The scenario: Pledge M.Ingles is up for a blackball vote

Pro Ball: Maynard (resident commedian)

Anti-Ball: Big Brother (Not quite sure)

Back ground: Pledge M.Ingles was notorious for wearing a black hat that said "Star Wars" in big white letters. Keep in mind, this was not a one time mistake. Day after day he would show up to the house with that damn hat on. When asked why he insisted on wearing the hat, he stated "Because I love Star Wars. Doesn't everyone else?"

Side note: His personality was dog shit, so that didn't help his case.

Fast Forward to the present Chapter meeting:

Big Brother gives the standard anti-ball speech with convincing points such as: "just give him a chance" and "I've spent some time with him and he's pretty cool" and "I'm sure everyone was awkward when you were 18". No reaction from the brotherhood. He tries to turn up the heat a little with an appeal to the sensitive side of the brotherhood. He states "He deserves a chance. Put your faith in me and I can turn this guy around. If you don't see any improvement, then I won't fight it again". After a 10 second silence, a couple of people give their obligatory snaps.

Maynard steps up and has a very serious look on his face. We expect an equally heartfelt speech, and solid reasons why this person should not become a brother. He starts off by saying "You know I haven't really hung out with this guy too much. I see him hanging around the house with his stupid Star Wars hat on. Maybe if he took it off, changed the way he dresses, and didn't walk around like a complete tool, this guy would have a chance." (slight laughter from the Chapter) "But really what if this guy gets in? Is he gonna wear that hat to formal? How about Woodser, is he going to paint it cammo? I mean seriously." (slightly louder laugh by the Chapter, on the verge of eruption) Then Maynard drives it home - "Do me a favor - when you cast your vote, pick the one that looks like the Death Star."

The whole Chapter erupts. As the box is being passed around, someone starts the Death Star music. After a while, the whole Chapter is humming - "dun dun dunnnn...da dun dun...da dun dun". The only possible comparison at this point is Otter's Animal House speech "I won't sit here and let you bad mouth the United States of America!" Maynard was walking down from Mt. Olympus he says, "I think he's gonna need some serious Jedi mind shit to get out of this one."Complete chaos, but one of the funniest moments in Chapter history

Side note: By the time the box got to me, there were no black balls left. Sad thing is, I think I was only the 12th person to vote.

Pick #5 (Greg Dauhpin):

If this were to appear on YouTube, it would have to be shot in split screens. The year was 1999. Brothers Dauphin, Adair (Red), Bacon and Laval are making an impromptu road trip to LSU, that includes a stop in Tallahassee on Thursday night, New Orleans on Friday night and Baton Rouge on Saturday. New Orleans was where things really got a little nutty.

The details are hazy, but a long night of drinking brought three of the four suspects (Dauphin, Laval and Bacon) to a karoake bar. While Bacon and Laval showed little interest in staying, Dauphin is determined to bring the house down with a stirring rendition of "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones. About 2 hours later, Dauphin finally gets his chance to shine and is swiftly booed off stage. What he doesn't realize is that Laval and Bacon had left about an hour earlier and were already making their way back to the hotel room.

On the way back, they think it would be a good idea to start rough housing in the street. Bacon's finishing move is taking the plastic bag he is carrying and using it to smack Laval in the face. What they both forgot is that the bag had a pint glass in it which shattered on Laval's face, leaving a scar that is still there to this day. Luckily Steve was numb from the boozing...they quickly hugged it out and made the rest of the walk home bleeding and bruised, but somehow closer because of it.

But what about Adair, you ask?

Well, when Bacon and Laval stepped off the elevator onto their hotel floor, they noticed that the hallway carpet seemed damp, and got squishier and squishier the closer they got to their room. When they got to the door, the carpet was waterlogged, the there was a distinct sound of running water coming from the other side.

Door opens and there's Adair, naked, unconcious and completely submerged in the bathtub with the water still running. While this may have appeared to be a desparate cry for help, Adair's explanation was simply, "I felt like taking a nap, and I felt like taking a bath, so I decided to do both at the same time."

While all this was happening, Dauphin spent the coinciding four hours wandering the streets of New Orleans looking for his hotel, trying not to get mugged, and singing "You Are Not Alone" at the top of his lungs.

No Theta Chis were killed in the making of this (fuzzy) memory.

Round Two

Pick #6 (Dauphin):

This is a story that requires that some names to be changed to protect the innocent. Or at least one name. We're hanging out at the house in Room 1(Laval's room at the time) on a typical Sunday afternoon. Believe the cast of characters includes Dauphin, Bacon, Laval, Adair (Red) and one J.M. Dribble. Out of nowhere, Dribble announces that he needs some "quiet time" and that he'd be back in about 20 minutes. He walks away, and we all know that this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Especially since Adair is house manager and has a key to every room in good old 10 Fraternity Row.

So we wait for enough time to let Dribble get settled into his self coital routine. Then we grab a bunch of toy guns that shoot foam darts, make our way down the hall and prepare our strike. In a blatant abuse of power, Adair quitely takes out his house keys, finds the one for Room 8 (whoops hope that didn't give Dribble's identity away) and slowly unlocks the door. I don't remember who shouted the battle cry, but I clearly remember the words:

"RED TEAM GO!"

Bacon, Laval and I bust into the room, yank up the loft blinds and start unloading darts at Dribble, who has no idea what to do. "Do I drop the lotion and the Hustler? Do I keep going?" Classic.

I'll never forget the "deer in the headlights" look on the Dribble's sweaty red face.

And...scene.

Pick #7 (Derek):
Dinosaurs do exist!!!

Circa Fall 97

We have a party at the house (most likely the post football game bourbon street type). We're all standing around at the T upstairs. All of a sudden this huge girl walks up. She's probably a solid 6ft and 225lb wearing probably size 34 jeans with a 36 inseam. Absolutely a giant by any standard. Everybody is just staring at her in awe, but it's the type of staring where we're trying not to stare. She casually walks down the hallway, peering into random rooms and possibly looking for her normal sized friends. She keeps pacing back and forth between Pebble Beach and the T, and the whole time our eyes are locked on her.

She finally walks farther down the hallway and out of earshot from our group.

All of a sudden ChrisW. says "Did you fuckin' see that? She's like a T-Rex!" ChrisW. proceeds to bust out his T-Rex imitation (grunting, snarling, walking slowly with his arms tucked into his sides). Needless to say we're all laughing so hard that tears are rolling down our eyes. So ChrisW. comes up with the brilliant plan that we should treat her as a T-Rex when she passes by next time. Due to his vast knowledge of Dinosaurs, and repeated viewing of Jurassic Park, ChrisW. gives us the 30 second crash course in T-Rex behavior. We find out that the T-Rex has poor vision, and hunts mainly by movement. Also, heavy breathing is a dead giveaway, so we have to hold our breath the whole time.

Just like clockwork, we spot the T-Rex heading directly at us from the Chateau. We brace ourselves. She gets about 10 yards away, and I assume a position with my back against the wall, hoping to blend in. Others are just frozen in place, drink still in hand. When she passes by, there's about 10 of us just standing there absolutely still. I lock eyes with her as she passes by with a look of bewilderment on her face. She shrugs her shoulders, clueless to the present situation, and proceeds along her way. She makes it about 10 feet past us, and we all bust out laughing. In true T-Rex fashion, she snaps her head around like the apex predator she is. I lose all composure and decide to make a run for it. I turn towards the front stairs and high tail it out of there. Word spreads fast of our T-Rex encounter and soon the whole house is aware of it. If you wandered around and saw people frozen in their place, you would know the T-Rex was in the area. Truly one of the funniest moments of all time. Finally the T-Rex left and we could all breathe a sigh of relief.

Pick #8 ( Swerve):
I would have loved to see this on YouTube.
Fall 98. Homecoming.

From what I remember about the beginning of homecoming that year- we were going after the top three sororities on campus. And why wouldnt we? We had a huge pledge class (40) including yours truly. In the midst of all the activity, it turns out that Pi Phi was going after us pretty hard. One night, pretty much their entire house took a weird approach to serenading. They stormed into our house while many of us were not there and littered the halls and rooms with very girlie trinkets, party favors and glitter. Ohh, the glitter was devastating. In the carpets and random holes in the floor and walls. Someone came up with the idea to return the favor. Now, much of what we had in mind was later considered to be over the top - and I write about this because we were punished and it is not a secret.

Side note - I worked as a server at the Pi Phi house with another pledge and a brother.

The next night, true to our word, about 30 pledges and brothers enter (maybe forced entry, just kidding, unless you were serious) their house armed with toilet paper, chocolate syrup (not my idea), silly string and glitter (just kidding about the glitter). Guys were everywhere. In the front yard, kitchen, upstairs, hallways and back yard. A few unnamed brothers dumped an entire industrial size cooler of ice tea in the dining room and turned it into a slip and slide. Upstairs, other ransacked the place squirting syrup on walls and carpet ( i dont even think guys are allowed upstairs). The front of the house looked like Jack Frost turned it into a winter wonderland full of white toilet paper drooping from the trees.

After we settled out of court, and replaced the carpeting upstairs and had the walls painted - including the portrait of Momma Pi Phi - they asked us to go to homecoming with them. And I had a lovely time with them.

Through all of the excitement, nobody told Laval what happened. He went to work the next day for the lunch shift and was chased out of the kitchen by the chef.....with a knife. Im pretty sure I heard Laval yelling " oh, heavenly God, heavenly God".


Pick #9 (Jackie):
I think it was Fall '93, not sure. One morning someone comes running back into the house saying that the red OX that used to be painted on the tree out front had been splashed with paint. We go outside and it looks like somebody threw a whole gallon on the tree and covered the Theta Chi. So, Shawn Yeagar (old guy, like Spring '90 maybe) who is some crazy major like Parks and Recreation, goes out and pokes around. Now Shawn was really into hunting, fishing, always wore a camo hat. He's actually a Park Ranger in Utah or some BFE type place now.

So Shawn goes out and tracks footprints or drops of paint or something and tracks it back to Beta next door. I picture Shawn crouched down over the tree, puts his finger tip into the paint, rubs it between his fingers, smells the paint. Then says, "Hmm, Latex.... 1992, from the Scotty's on 34th".

So, we can't let this stand. Me, Ted Upson, and Chris Marshall actually do go to Scotty's (I think it was actually on Newberry) and get 3 gallons of paint. Beta had that big Beta Theta Pi painted on the side of their house. So, about 2 am we sneak over there. There's 3 of us. Chris is going to get the Beta, I've got the Theta, and Ted is next to me on the end and is going to get the Pi.

We go on 3. 1....2...3... Chris splashes his gallon on the Beta, my gallon covers the Theta..... Ted, possibly due to the fact that he is a rookie at gallon paint throwing, for some reason used a side to side motion instead of a back and forth motion. Plus his release point was completely off. I get a full gallon of paint right in the side of my face. My eardrum is completely covered in white paint. I yell, "Aaaah, somebody threw paint in my ear!" As if it was just somebody and I didn't know that it was fucking Ted that little bastard.

So, now it just says Pi on the side of the Beta house. White Latex paint does not come out of your hair, by the way or your ear. So, I actually skipped class for 2 days so that no Betas would see white paint on me and jump me (not a big sacrifice skipping class, I guess).

So, little tip, if you're going to throw paint at something, don't stand next to Ted.

Pick #10 (Woody):
In the Spring of 1996, several of my friends had secretly either dropped out of classes all together or withdrawn from the semester - not our best show of an academic brotherhood, but it was quite amazing how we all were spending time together during the day at the house playing video games or hiding while they were supposed to be in class. Never having been a good lier, knew I couldn't keep my withdrawal a secret so I was the only one who caught any shit about it. During dead--week when everyone in the house was studying for exams, I was talking to Derek in the hallway upstairs. One of us had a putter and a golf ball. There was also an array of the red plastic house cups (as usual) lying around upstairs on the window sill, in front of people's doors, and generally all over the place.

We take a cup and start a little put-put competition. Quickly getting bored with just one hole, we head down to room 18 and lay out several holes to swing around the "T". Now we've got a complete 9 hole put-put course starting from Room 18, down to Room 1 all the way to the back stairs (2 holes on the stairs), down to the final 2 holes in lower chapter. This must have seemed like a great escape for those needing a study break because very shortly after the creation of the course - which was complete with a water hazard (the puddle in front of Little Head), a couple obstacles (plates and notebooks in front of various rooms), and the stairs, there were several twosomes going off. The hallway was so full of players, we ended up creating tee times for the rest of the afternoon. There were people playing into the wee hours of the night.

There is no distinguishing moment for me to use as a punchline, but the event itself was a great use of imagination and brotherhood, except for people like Mazin who were too pissed off they couldn't study quietly in the house anymore, they had to go to the library. My apologies to everyone I misplaced that evening..except for Mazin.